iamenough

this is not something from me, but rather from a sweet site called The Good Women Project.

i know this is a sentiment i share – maybe you do too. male or female, there are many that can relate.

http://goodwomenproject.com/emotions/i-am-too-much#idc-container

i’ve decided tonight – as i lie in bed earlier than i should be – that iamtired.  when i admit to you what i am tired of, you may think “that’s not a big deal” or “wow, you’re getting a little judgmental these days” – but i just can’t help it.

i believe strongly that in Christ we are enough.  i believe that as a result we have a responsibility to model Christ well. i believe our actions speak louder than our words, but that our words still matter.  in fact, sometimes even our words speak louder than the point we are trying to make. maybe i’m starting to sound crazy, and you’re asking: what is she talking about?  i’m talking about the f-word.

maybe i’m getting old, but i’m tired of hearing it, seeing it, having it glare at me on facebook or twitter.  i’m sick of being visually assaulted by the word in my news feed.  honestly, (and dear friends, i’m picking on no one in particular, so stop feeling guilty), i’m not even a fan of the clever acronyms that allude to it.

i’ll admit, i have, in my life time uttered it.  and, i’ll admit, i have heard some great usages of the word within a context that i can only say worked well and hit the right note.  but i would say, on the whole, i’m just not a fan of the word.

not only do i not like it because of the harshness that it denotes, i also think that it is just plain lazy.  i feel like we can be more creative with our language and choice of words.  i think in a culture where communication is so highly valued and our outlet for communication so diverse that we should at least have a little creativity with our vocabulary, and quite frankly, the 7 f-bombs in my news feed earlier didn’t feel all that diverse.

as Christ-followers, i don’t think that we need to be “religious” about our language at all, but i do think that what we say reflects who we serve.  in fact, James has some great stuff to say about what comes out of our mouths – especially in James 3. but i’ll just highlight one verse for now (but check out the rest of the book!)

James 3:10, “Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”

it’s true.  i’m guilty. but i’m working on it. i’m not trying to judge. i’m not trying to blame. i’m just tired.

[disclaimer: i am happily married, but don't want that to stand in the way of this conversation. i think it's important.]

recently, i’ve had a number of conversations about singleness with friends who are fairly content as single, but feel like they get weird attitudes from people because of their singleness.

in fact, part of the reason i have been giving so much thought to this is because i’ve been having these conversations and then (while channel surfing) i started watching Bridget Jones’ Diary about halfway through.  (I wish i could just “insert clip here” but i couldn’t find it on youtube).  actually i started watching during a dinner scene where Bridget arrives to a dinner of ALL couples and they begin to awkwardly grill her on singleness.  they ask her things like, “why are there so many women who are single in their thirties these days…” the conversation is quite uncomfortable, and it is hard not to feel bad for her.

it’s really too bad.  i can’t help but feel as though single people get the raw end of the deal NOT because they are single (not at all), but rather because of how people treat them.  they get treated like they are incomplete.  they get treated like they haven’t “arrived” yet.  i’ve heard people comment to others, “when you get married…”  when? why not “if you decide to get married?”  or not even venture into a conversation of the sorts.

for some reason (especially in the church – but not only in the church), single people get treated differently; like they are missing out, like they haven’t reached the level of “maturity” of marriage, like there is something wrong with them.  none of this is true.

single=complete.

in fact, i can’t help but think about the words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7.  just to highlight a sentence or two for my very complete single friends: But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness. paul, the greatest evangelist of his time was single and lived out a life of incredible faith.  single. he was complete.  one of his gifts was being single.  and in the same way, some of us have the gift of marriage.  both gifts, both from God, both allowing for people to be complete in their way.

paul continues by saying: So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. better!?!  better to stay unmarried.  single doesn’t just equal complete, but rather, single > married according to paul!

i know that some single people don’t feel anywhere close to this sense of joy in their singleness, but i think that they should start to embrace singleness the way Paul did.  we can develop relationships with friends and in community that fill certain emotional needs.  we can support one another – single or married – in really awesome and kingdom building ways.

perhaps physical needs get more difficult, but i can’t help but feel as though we put so much weight on the physical in our world that being willing to go without is an incredible counter-cultural sacrifice, but one worth receiving the gift of singleness.

but on the side of the single, i know that for some, going without physical contact (even just hugs and cuddles), can be quite difficult.  i don’t have the solution here, but all i can say is be generous with hugs.  (but read your audience! – and if the physical part is too difficult, of course, as paul says, It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.)

so the next time you find yourself in a potentially awkward conversation where someone makes strange or unnecessary comments towards single people (like: “so…when are you gonna find someone…”) instead, sincerely congratulate them on their singleness. let them know they are complete.  let them know they are enough.

recently, someone said to me that life isn’t lived if we don’t dream. i couldn’t agree more. there is something to be said of those “dreamers” – people with their head in the clouds – but if we can’t put our dreams into action, what good are they?

i really do think that God gives us dreams – kingdom dreams – that are meant to be lived out to advance His kingdom.  i also think that we have to share our dreams with others so that we can create synergy and have others to champion our causes as well. after all, why not share dreams with the family?

i can’t even hear the word “dream” anymore without thinking about the song, “i dreamed a dream” from the broadway classic Les Miserables. unfortunately, this song is just plain painful.  it is a lament.  one part i want to peel out of the song and slap in here is this:

“But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame”

it is so sad to think that this is often what dreams turn into – something that others shred to bits, distort, and embarrass you with; however, when i think of a dream, i think of it as something hopeful.

i can’t think of a better way to describe this than seeing susan boyle redeem that song a couple of years ago (on Britain’s Got Talent).  prior to her singing, you can see that the audience and judges are those tigers ready to rip apart her dream, and had she been a crappy singer, i know she would have been shamed by them and many others. yet there she was singing loud and proud and, the result?  she lived out her dream. she knocked the song out of the park and blew everyone away.  her dream became a reality (and at the same time reminded us all to not judge books by their covers).

i think we need to be prepared to present our dreams in this same way: no matter how we look or how others perceive us, as we have kingdom dreams, we need to be ready to put ourselves out there and ignore the “tigers” who want to tear us apart. if God has given us a dream, a mission, who are people to tear us down?  Romans 8:31 reminds us that “if God is for us, who can be against us?” if something really is of God, we should feel emboldened and not worry about those nay-sayers (or jerks!) in our lives who just want to put us down.

and so, how do we do it?  how do we put those dreams into action?

i have just a few thoughts on this.  perhaps you have more tips to add, and that’d be great.  these are just a few i would suggest:

1. pray – that God would direct your dream and the action you take

2. get support – find people who will support you, dream with you, and help you in your quest

3. create a plan – if you are are a planner, great! get to planning: make lists, action points, and map out your strategy.  if you are not a planner, find an ally who is and have them help you map out your strategy. be as thorough in your steps as you need to be to actually move forward with things.

4. pray – this should just be a theme in all of this

5. attack your plan – start to work through things methodically.  set realistic goals for yourself.  get help from others as you go as needed.

6. don’t get discouraged – others may not feel as strongly or see the same vision that you do in your dreaming.  stick to the dream God gave you.  He gave it to you for a reason.

well, that’s really all i’ve got. don’t let life kill the dream that God has given you to dream. you are enough and so are the dreams He’s given you.

it is amazing how confusing sexuality can be to teenagers…actually, not just to teenagers but to people in all walks of life.  unfortunately, in past years, the church as a whole has not done very well in helping people to navigate these waters.  instead, what the church has said (maybe with a few exceptions) is that sex and sexuality should be kept quiet.  repressed.  that sexuality should only be discussed when we’re talking about marriage. 

i’m going to pause here - a disclaimer of sorts before i get too far in – to say that i believe that sex is meant to be saved for marriage.  but what about sexuality?  how we express ourselves? how we feel about ourselves and others?  is that meant to be buried so deep we don’t know what to do with it?  my simple answer is no.

God designed us as sexual beings.  He created us male and female, in His image.  He gave us maleness and femaleness, and He gave us the ability to express ourselves in different ways with our maleness or femaleness.  He did not say, “thou shall not have feelings…”  I mean, really, from the time many of us are very young we have feelings for others.  i remember being in kindergarten and being madly in love (my 5-year-old version of that) with a boy named Matthew.  when i was five, i had different ways to express that than when i was 25, but the reality is, from a young age, i had the concept of the fact that i was, in some way, a sexual being.

so, here’s the deal: i’m tired with how the church often confuses teens and single adults.  so often these demographics are told to consider sex as almost an evil thing.  because, as i said, i don’t believe in sex outside of marriage, i understand why this message is often given, but i think it’s the wrong message.  one thing that gets confusing for some is that crossing over from unmarried to married.  it’s like up until their wedding day, sex is evil…and then “bam!” sex is meant to be an incredibly intimate experience.  and for those that the physical isn’t a problem making the crossover, many times the emotional and psychological crossover is difficult. 

i remember waking up the day after my wedding feeling like i had done something wrong.  i knew in my heart i hadn’t, but it was that forever ingrained idea that sex was evil that stuck with me. 

my primary thought in all of this is that i think we need to majorly reapproach how we talk about sex, sexuality, and everything that it hinges on.  sex isn’t evil.  it’s great.  sex outside of marriage – yeah, that’s not part of God’s design.  sex within marriage – that most definitely is part of God’s excellent design.  but talking about, questioning, and having good discussion about sex  and sexuality should not be a taboo thing for teens and single adults.  assuming the conversation is constructive and not geared towards turning things in a bad direction, the conversation should be an ongoing one.

my secondary thought here is that in opening this discussion, the things done in secret stop being done in secret.  i know so many students that have felt as though certain areas of sexuality were a grey area.  i mean, how many times have you wondered or been asked: how far is too far?  but the conversation always turns to rigid rules instead of open discussion about why the question is even being asked.

i was once listening to a man who was openly gay in his orientation, but committed to never acting on it.  he was a Christ-follower and really struggled with whether or not being gay and being a Christ-follower could be a cohesive life experience – and so, in his struggle, he made the commitment that he would rather be a committed Christ-follower without the worry about his orientation.  he committed to celibacy for the sake of his relationship with Christ.  when asked if he has feelings for other men, he admitted that he still did.  when asked how he fought his urges, he answered: “i would rather pursue holiness….and i pray that God helps me to do that…even time.”

i was amazed by his answer…not just what he answered, but that he was sincere in his answer.  i’ve known many people who would have said something to that affect in regards to their sexual desires, but would, in secret, act on them.  but this guy meant it.  and i thought, if he can really mean it why can’t others. 

i know that the reality of hormones, and emotions, and adrenaline can become really confuses and urges and desires can carry us further than where we want to go. but there are so many reasons not to “go” there.  and when i say that, i don’t just mean sex.  i mean all of the sexual encounters that people may or may not label as “actual sex”.  it still affects you.

i think that some of the best discussions in the Christian-realm i have read on this come from Hailey DiMarco’s book, Technical Virgin.  she helps explore the topic of “what counts” and what doesn’t when it comes to sex.  because when you’re a teenager, often the question isn’t “how far is too far”; it’s “how far can i go…” and the answer always comes back to rules.

why can’t the answer come back to who we are in Christ?  why can’t we start a discussion instead of dropping the hammer?  there have been a few times when i have gotten into these discussions with different people when the realization hits them: they are looking for intimacy however they can get it.  it’s not really even about who it is with, how they are affected, or why they are together.  it is about that close intimacy that we all desire. 

i have a single friend who would be the first to tell you that she has a strong desire for that type of intimacy.  she would also tell you that she never wants to get married.  she is a Christ-follower, and as such is committed to celibacy.  so, how does she fill the gap of that deep desire for intimacy?  we’ve talked about this before at length, and her answer always comes back to prayer.  praying that God helps fill that void in her heart.  praying that God helps her through the lonely times, the longings for physical touch, and the other many desires that fill her heart.

when i think about this, i am amazed.  what is happening here is that God is using our sexuality, our desires, our longings to bring us back to Him.

i think that God never intended for us to disassociate sexuality from Him.  i think it has been a result of poor communication, unnecessary embarrassment, and choosing the wrong path in how to approach these matters.  we really need to be willing to have better discussions even when…especially when, they are uncomfortable at first.  we need to not hide the realities of sex and sexuality from teens and single adults, but rather engage them in helpful and meaningful discussions that point them back to the Creator of Sex.  I mean, let’s be honest.  He designed us for it.  He made it.  and it is good.

recently, i attended a conference at which the theme was “known“.  the main session, speakers, and other presenters focused on what it means to be known by God.

when you think about it, it is pretty extraordinary.  that, even though i am always aware, and can realize that God created me, sometimes really being aware of the fact that God knows me – deeply, intimately, and fully – is pretty amazing.  i mean, consider how well you know yourself, or how well someone who is really close to you knows you – a friend, a parent, a sibling – they know your crazy-side, funny-side, your serious-side.  they know you in your good times, in your rough times, in your low times.  they can even finish your sentence for you…and yet God knows you more deeply, more fully, more intimately than you or anyone will ever know you.

starting from pre-conception, we know that God knew us.  Jeremiah 1:5, God tells Jeremiah that He knew Jeremiah before He formed him in his mother’s womb.  and in Psalm 139, David sings that God knit him together in his mother’s womb.  God knows us because He designed us.  He set out thoughts, our hearts, our spirits in motion, and continues to work in our lives.  He knows us.

sometimes it is overwhelming and even intimidating knowing that someone knows us so deeply.  really, i mean, there are to be no shields, no hiding places, no buffers.  nope.  in fact, with God we are exposed.  we are laid bare.  we are out in the open.  but the good part in all that, in all the exposure and all the rawness of how He knows us is this: He knows us.  there are no preconceived notions because He knows the before, the during and the after of our lives. He even knows the inbetweens.  there is nothing in our lives that isn’t known to Him.

wow – that’s a little scary.  i mean, i feel a little overwhelmed by the fact that i am exposed to Him. even though He created me, gave me all feelings and emotions, skills and lack there of, it is still intimidating. when i did something for the wrong reason – even when it “looks good” to others – He knows.  reasons why i chose the words i chose, He knows.  the pride i feel, He knows. in the worst of times, the pain i mean to cause others, He knows.

and it’s good.  i feel like i can breath a sigh of relief.  isn’t it nice to just be known.  isn’t that what everyone wants?  to be able to not have to explain yourself.  to be revealed to God in each moment is liberating.  i don’t need to tell Him why i did something, He knows.  i don’t need to explain my words, He knows. i don’t need to tell Him how much i hurt, He knows. i don’t need to pretend, He knows. and when i lay my head down at night and wake up each morning, go to work, to the gym, or eat a meal, He knows.

there are over 6 billion people in the world, and He cares enough for me to know me.  oh yeah, and He knows you too.  and that’s pretty cool – to be known.

in Christ, i am known.  in Christ, i am enough.

sometimes i think we feel so inadequate, so low, so insecure that we try to tip the balances. we try to go beyond, be more, be greater – this in itself isn’t necessarily bad, but sometimes we try to be something that God didn’t create us to be.

God created us whole. complete. enough. He gave us a gift to be someone. to do something.

sometimes, i know at least for me, i try to be more than enough. i try to do things on my own. i try to be something more than He created me to be – which is so ridiculous because who He created me to be is something more and greater than i can imagine…so why do i try to be something else?

deep insecurity sometimes leads me to something that you wouldn’t necessarily imagine: pride. it seems so backwards, so upside down, but sometimes in trying to “fix” myself, my insecurities, my pain, i try to jump out of my rut from pain to pride which is unfortunately just another kind of pain.

1 John 2:16-17 tells us that ^“16 …the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. ¹⁷ And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.”

the pride that i try to replace my pain with is something not of God. it is of this world. i try to take pride in my own attributes and achievements and forget to remind myself that “this world is fading away” and the things that i take pride in are of this world.  what’s the point?!  instead when i’m in the low places, i need to realize that trying to blow myself up out of there with pride isn’t going to get me to a place that i should be. it’s just going to carry me into another rut. i just need to be reminded that God wants to bring me out of that way in a much more creative way than i have in mind.

i know that i need to be reminded every now and then that God’s desire for me is enough. i need to stop trying to be “more than enough” because the reality is that i cannot be anything greater than who God wants me to be, because His desires and plans for me are so much better than i can imagine and try to get to on my own.

i’m so thankful that in Christ i am enough.